All I want for 2010....

My New Year's resolutions in a tall order:

1. Do 2010 christmas shopping in the middle of August, right during the summer sales.

2. Cancel all credit cards. Store cash in cookie jar.

3. Must eat more vegetables. Jan -Mar 2010 three carrots daily, Mar - June include beetroot and celery in diet, by October 2010, turn completely vegan, dude !

4. Try not to get fu**ked (too often) by the bosses

5. Must get new Apple iPhone. And sell old phone to a flee market.

6. Must be able to fit into sexy get-ups by summer 2010 (and find better paid job as a go-go dancer)

7. Get better night vision camera

8. Quit being single !

9. Must find rich boyfriend with a Lamborghini. And I mean one that.... actually OWNs a Lamborghini (not just poses in front of one !)

10. Boyfriend must have a hairy chest and be a Borat look-alike

11. Or better still...find a sugar daddy. (Wolf!) 12. Spread more love, hope and joy throughout the world.

Wishing all of you a horny X-mas and a raunchy New Year !

Moon my cake !

The mooncake /autumn lantern festival fell on the full moon night 3rd October this year.

Being in Germany, it's hard for me to celebrate any Asian festival on a full scale.

Given my love for mooncakes......

(and I've tasted some really "heavenly smelling " ones like the durian mooncakes), I've decided to improvise this year.

So here's what I arrived at: French patisseries which I bought for € 3/- from Maison du Pain near Westend Frankfurt.

If it looks like a moon from the top.....

Looks like a cake from the side....

...well, it doesn't have egg-yoke inside, but instead has a very delicious chocolate mousse laced with jam filling....
It's got to be a mooncake !! French style

When recession bites (2): How to move in one day

Here's a smart way to save costs if you have to shift apartments. You don't need a truck, nor a cab, nor U-haul. The answer lies below:

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Yeah....when recession bites, you need to zip-up your wallets real tight.

Riverside lunch for 2-dollahs

Sure, it's not the river Seine, nor the river Rhine...but still it is lunch by the Klang river, for an unbeatable-cannot-get-anywhere-in-the-world-price of only 2 ringgit (not including drinks)!!

This is my usual hangout on Sunday mornings before the shops open at Midvalley and I get free access to air condition !! Some people have been asking me, how do they get there ? And that's the biggest attraction of this riverside avenue of mamak stalls, it's very inconspicious. It takes inside knowledge to get there. Very easy, go to the main entrance of the Gardens Hotel entrance, and then you'll see an overhead bridge a few meters back. Once you cross the bridge, you see the long row of mamak stalls all lining the river.


You get good mamak food, good view....what more can you ask for ?

....the bliss of hygiene.

Photos of food not published in this blog....must go try yourself.

Idiot's Guide to the KL International Airport

Imagine yourself, enjoying your first maiden trip to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, on board the Malaysian Airlines Boeing 747, 24000 ft in the air.

You're watching your inflight entertainment movie "Monsters vs Aliens" for the third time, laid back comfortably in your Economy Class seat.

The friendly Malaysian Airlines airhostess brings you your inflight breakfast and morning coffee/tea down the aisle.

You are tasting the delights of Nasi Lemak for the first time in your life. "Simply sumptuous", you say. Well wait till you taste the real Nasi Lemak from the back lanes of Kampung Baru. You're bound to shoot up straight to the moon, after you tasted the real bomb.

Well, that's all great. But how do I get to Kampung Baru ? What do I expect when I land at the KL International Airport ? Where do I go ? How do I get to the city ? Do they speak my language ? Where do I find the Duty Free Shops? Are there any shops at all ? Will I be landing on a tree like in Madagascar 2 ? Well, I hope you did your research before hoping on a plane, wheezing to some foreign, exotic country.

But in case you haven't, not to worry, my friend. The Malaysian people are probably the most multi-lingual in the world and can incorporate up to 5 languages at a time in a mumble-jumble of one language, also known as "Manglish". Doesn't matter where you come from. If you speak any hint of English, Indonesian, Mandarin, Cantonese, Hokkien, Hakka, Tamil, Hindi, Portugease or Arabic, you will be able to grasp the pure essence of "Manglish" within seconds.

You will be landing in one of the most sophisticated airports in the world, equipped with some of the most modern facilities in the world. I guarantee after you read this guide, you will be able to navigate your way around the KL airport easily, just like a child in a candy shop.

This is the Kuala Lumpur International Airport (KLIA) located in the district of Sepang, just 44 km away from the city. It commenced operations on June 27th 1998 to replace the old and defunct Subang Airport. The empty sites in Sepang were once "Orang Asli" settlements. So you get the idea, the place used to be very, very, very "ulu", ok.

So the Malaysian "gahmen" decided to modernize the town of Sepang and build this very state-of-the art 21st century airport facility, which can accommodate a super capacity of 35 million passengers and 1.2 mil tonnes of cargo, so don't play play ok Changi Airport !!

To get to the KLIA, you can either travel by car, which will take about 1 1/2 hrs with no traffic jam. Or you could take the cheap and fast KLIA Express train which takes only 28 mins to KL Sentral station. Here is a map to the KLIA, courtesy of Wikipedia. As you can see, instead of travelling the round-about-way by car (follow the red line), the KLIA Express is much faster and efficient because it leads you directly to your destination in one straight line (follow the blue line).

Also it is much cheaper than the premium cabs, which can costs up to 100 Malaysian-dollahs. The KLIA Express also takes you through an adventure of majestic scenic beauty, which captures the pure essence of Malaysia...oil palm trees, lakes, new Orang Asli settlements, and more oil palm trees !

But before you ride the KLIA Express, you first get to ride our high-speed interterminal shuttle trains, also known as Aerotrains!

That's right ! There's only one way to get to the duty free shops, immigration hall, baggage claim, arrival hall, Way Out and Exit Roads [See map in the Aerotrains]. If you still get lost, you are beyond idiotic.

The Aerotrains were also built to accommodate a capacity of 35 million passengers, not all at once, of course. In fact, don't be surprise to find the Aerotrain all to yourself.

To alight from the Aerotrain, look for the Way Out.

For those of you interested in buying Duty Free goods, you need to check if you qualify for that privilege. So, if you're not an international tourist, air crew incl. pilots or citizens or residents of Malaysia upon arrival or departure for abroad....YOU CANNOT BUY DUTY FREE GOODS, ok !

So, if you're reading this blog and you work as the official KLIA "Asoh" aka toilet cleaner aka facility manager, you CANNOT BUY DUTY FREE GOODS, ok !!

By the way, I must complement the facility management of KLIA for your ultra-clean toilets, not just because of the built-in self-flushing toilets. 90% of the work is actually done by the hard-working Asohs and Amahs of the KLIA, who work on their knees. So I think, they also deserve to buy DUTY FREE GOODS, ok !

So, what is so special about shopping at KLIA, you might ask. Well for all the ladies out there,

I 've got 5 -letters, for you. C-O-A-C-H.

Not local enough for you ? Try Harrods, the last symbol of the British occupation in Malaysia.

Still not local enough for you ? Then go to "Made in Malaysia", your one-stop shop for all things Malaysian and exotic.

Malaysia presents its version of the precious Ginseng and one of its major exports.....wild Tongkat Ali.

Not to be confused with the medical prowess of the Chinese Ginseng....the Tongkat Ali is only good if you wanna have some fun...if you know what I mean. Literally translated, Tongkat means walking stick....so it helps your "stick" walk.

Graphical disclosure of what can happen to the nose of an "Orang Utan" after consuming Tongkat Ali.

Tongkat Ali can also be consumed with White Coffee....
...Or even mixed with tea.
Another one of Malaysia's exports....Spider Egg Cookies.....fit for Halloween... (Labah = Spider)

Very important ! You might need to do a health screening to ensure you are free of H1N1 aka Swine flu.

If confirmed H1N1 positive, you will be dragged away by men in blue suits in a dragon boat.....

So remember to wear a mask at all times, especially if you display symptoms of the flu.

If you are not sick, then avoid those wearing masks and practice social distancing, even if you need to resort to resting on the floor...

You are now only one step away from living the madness of Malaysia. All you need to do now is queue and wait till the immigration officer chops your passport, and pray to God that your baggage arrives safely in one piece.....

At this point, if the officers say "Selamat Datang" or Selamat is coming, you better run for your lives !!
...before you're killed by notorious Singaporean terrorist, Mas Selamat.