The truth about Yasmin Ahmad

Dear Yasmin Ahmad aka Zulkifli Ahmad,

I imagine you might be laughing over the absurdity and shallowness of our fellow media beyond the grave. Lately, you have been labelled "man", "khunsa", "pondan" and "hemophrodite" without scientific reasoning. But joke aside, I always thought you did resemble a man, not only by your physical appearance, but also by your persona and your perserverance. Not that a woman is unworthy of the feats you achieved, but I don't come across too many women like you.
So now, it seems, some truth has surfaced. Not only were you born a hemophrodite called Zulkifli Ahmad and underwent surgery in the United Kingdom, it also turns out you were a professional singer and one of the best football strikers too !! You have set a new level to the term "multi-faceted".

It also explains the brain hemorrhage. You used your head a little too often as a striker.

I should have known. It's written all over your face. Not only are you 60% Naoko Takeuchi due to your Japanese heritage, you are also 59% Brett Hull, the famous Canadian-American ice hockey player, Bob Hope personifies your sense of humour. But best of all, you are 54% Hillary Rodham Clinton - simply a strong, determined woman.

What I wanted to say to you

Dear Grandma,

I will not say goodbye now, but I will say until we meet again, someday....

I was not by your bedside recently, but I was happy to be able to accompany you the weeks prior to your passing. I saw you smile for the first time without your dentures and we watched your little persimmon tree bloomed a thousand flowers.

But we also shared your pain and anquish, pain which cuts deep like the edge of a waterfall.

But now that pain is no more. There is no more weight to your heart. Let your spirit soar high to the misty heavens above.
And let the memory of you be forever enshrined in the temples of our hearts....
Especially the memory of you and me on our daily shopping trips to the market on an old rickety trishaw during my childhood days. You always carried me on your shoulders, no matter how tired you were. And while you carried me, you sang your traditional village songs from China.

I will miss you forever, grandma. I hope you are happy, wherever you are. And say hello to Uncle La La for me.

Your granddaughter.
I would like to thank the palliative care unit of the Hospice Malaysia for their personal care and immaculate attention, while attending to my grandma, all without a single monetary charge. Especially thanks to Sharon Victoria Dabi and Dr Lim Zee Nee for their time and patience. Also thanks to Grace and Rowena for those many sleepless nights.
Fore more about the palliative care unit of the Malaysian Hospice and donations please go to their website at: http://www.hospismalaysia.org/

No more stories to tell

Yasmin Ahmad (1958 - July 2009)

Yasmin Ahmad, award-winning film director (Cannes, Berlin and Tokyo film festivals) and mentor to all budding film-makers also passed away on July 25th at a young age of 51. She has left a legacy of film-making which tells of overcoming life's day-to-day difficulties through the cultivation of love and solidarity across races and religions. Her work of art will remain an inspiration to all, especially to me. Her mother, Mak Inom, was my language and literature teacher at secondary school. Like her mother, Yasmin Ahmad always had a story to tell, translated into the wide screen. I offer my heartfelt condolonces to her parents, her husband and all her friends and loved ones.

Grandma

Two months ago, we were all shocked to learn that my 90 year old grandmother was suffering from stage IV terminal colon cancer. Mostly because she was never sick in her life, and despite her age, walked tirelessly to the market everyday 40 mins from her home, to provide food for herself, her youngest son and the maid for the last 40 years. When she was diagnosed with cancer, she was hit by severe bouts of fatigue and eventually her legs gave way. She continues to fight for her life everyday despite not having any medical treatment and her mind is still as clear as the summer rain.


I flew back 3 weeks ago as soon as I heard the news. I was alone, since my relatives had other obligations. My grandmother was skinny beyond recognition and was bed-ridden. She could still walk with some help but was not able to eat solid foods. She ended up throwing-up many times. The family even considered putting her on tubes, but the idea was immediately dropped not because it was medically unfeasible, but because it would cause her more pain and suffering. No specialist would treat her due to her age, so in the beginning all we could rely on were prescription free pain killers from the pharmacy.

To give you a rough idea how skinny she was when I first saw her, here is a comparison of her lower leg and my lower arm. Guess which is my arm and which is her leg ?

After I returned to see her, her condition got worse to the point that she had excruciating abdominal pains, especially during the night. The prescription free pain killers had lost effect on her due to the intensity of the pain and because she had trouble taking liquids. So for a few nights, all I could do was to hold her and rub her abdomen while she cried out in pain, and although I managed to say a few comforting words to her, my heart cried out with her too.

Things got better when my grandmother's case was referred to the palliative care unit of the Hospice Malaysia. We were soon given prescriptive drugs such as morphine, steroids and metochlopromide to ease her symptoms. Soon my task was to give my grandmother morphine jabs every few intervals and to watch her day and night....

and to change the syringe-driver every 24 hrs. We started out with a baby dose of 0.5 ml of morphine and after 2 days, we increased the dosage to 1 ml. I was soon confronted with the hideous responsibility of deciding when to give her morphine, since it was hard to gage the intensity of the pain she was experiencing. One has to strike a balance between easing the pain and the risk of losing her memory.

I also had to figure out how to change the drip. That took me a whole 30 mins to figure out. Harder than changing a light bulb.

I nearly peed in my pants, when I finally managed to set up the drip.
Up to this stage, she could even remember the number of 1 dollah notes in her safety box and the number of oranges in the fridge. She would comb her hair neatly after her bath, because she won't trust me with her hair....only with the morphine.
My grandma demonstrating the safe use of a N-65 anti-viral mask for swine flu prevention.

She was still capable of laughing and joking with her visitors during these difficult times and asked them about their own problems.

Her laugh was simply infectious. By this time, some of my aunts and uncles have returned to relieve me. However, I was still the only person capable of giving her the jabs, given that my aunts and uncles in their 70s were every bit near and far sighted. Having been in investment banking, keeping awake 24 hrs a day was all in a day's work. Sadly, for the older folks, the matter was an itsy bit more challenging than they thought.

My uncle, for instance, would reprimand anyone who talked too loud for fear of waking up my grandma during her noontime nap. As soon as it was all quiet, he would place himself comfortably on the living room couch, and start snoring.

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

After a week, I started noticing the strain 24-hr care had on these older folks.

One day, a phone call came for my uncle who was just on his way out. He rushed in, all red in the face and was trying to clarify directions on a road map to the caller.

Uncle: Aiya, why is it suddenly so dark in here ? I can't read the map-lah. Turn on all the lights !

Me: Why don't you try taking-off your sunglasses first.

Uncle: @*#!!

My aunt was a nervous wreck everyday. She doesn't sleep. She faints.

Above all, my grandma was the most nervous person in the house. Mainly, because she could hardly count on her aged children to lift her up when she wanted to do her potty business.

Q: How many persons does my grandma needs when she does her potty business ?

A: Four. One to carry her by the shoulders, one to carry her by the legs, one to position the potty below her and one to shout directions. And the person shouting directions is my nervous wreck of an aunt.

I was very much relieved when by a rare general consensus in the family, we agreed to hire 24 hr nurses to assist my grandma. That's when we found Grace, the nurse.

So with the arrival of the private nurses, my responsibility was reduced to washing my grandma's dentures....

....cooking her favourite pumpkin and sweet potato soup.

.....and taking her out on the wheelchair to see her favourite persimmon tree.

When I had to return overseas for work, saying goodbye remained the hardest task of all.

Indeed, I have considered resigning from my job to be by her side when she passes. But my grandma has a fighting spirit which I greatly admire, and she would not hear of me giving up on anything. So, I held her hand tightly and promised her that I would come back soon. And then we would take a walk to the market together to buy her favourite pumpkin and sweet potato soup.

Farewell my Uncle

Dear Uncle Lee Onn,

Nobody has ever called by your proper name..... some probably never even knew your proper name. Your nieces and nephews simply called you "Ey", or "Uncle La La" although I really don't see the slightest resemblance to the Teletubbies.

But you simply showed your toothles grin, knowing they can call you anything they liked, as long as they addressed you correctly as "Uncle", for that is what you were us. It is through no fault of yours that you were mentally challenged, nor any fault of yours that you were socially unrepresentable. But yet you tolerated all these years of verbal abuse, being taken for granted of, being shoved aside like the fifth wheel on the wagon, and not just that, a broken fifth wheel.

You probably will never be able to read this letter, or have anyone read this letter to you, because you would have passed on, without knowing what Death is. And that would always remain a mystery to us, what happened during your last moments, why were you found sprawled on the landing unconscious.

I would like to apologize for not being there for you, to hold your hand, and to cover your body from the cold hospital air. You were always afraid of hospitals and foreign beds, but fear not of Death's embrace. For this life was not for you and I know that much more happiness awaits you in the journey to come. Although it may seem to you that no one is sorry to see you go, do take comfort in the thought that there are loved ones who will really miss you.

Love always,
Your niece

What's in a name (2)

A friend of mine has a pretty cool last name: 福 pronounced as "Fu", means good fortune and happiness in Mandarin. The meaning of his name would have come across better if he were living in China, but unfortunately for him, he lives in Sydney.

And so went his first day at college:

Teacher: As soon as I call your name, please raise your hand. Miller, Sanchez, Foe...
Fu: No ma'am, my name's pronounced as Fu.......Fuuuuuu......
Teacher: Foe....Foe
Fu: No, ma'am....Fuuuuu...like sorry's there's no English equivalent
Teacher: Alright then, how do you spell it ?
Fu: F-U
Teacher: What ???!!!!!!!!
Fu: I said, F-U
Teacher: Alright young man, are you trying to be funny with me ?
Fu: Nope, I'm just trying to spell my name, F-U.
Teacher: That's enough. From herwith, you're suspended without notice.
Fu: (Shit).

Fu's now married with kids. His first born was named David Fu Chin Kee. Initials FU CK.
His son's going to hate him.

The day will come that I have to wear childrens' sizes

Here's a revelation....
I went shopping today for branded sweaters and there was a winter sale in one of the largest European citites in the world. I tried on a few sweaters and they were much too big (There's a downpart to shopping in Europe when you're Asian.....you can never find your size !!)
I went to the Ralph Lauren section and the summer collection was simply smart and elegant but they costs over € 200. Too bad I thought, I would just have to wait for the summer sales.

As I crossed over to the ground floor I thought I saw the same sweater and a similar Ralph Lauren counter as the first floor...until I picked it up and saw it was a baby sweater. How cute. And then the same sweater again, for 12 - 14 year olds ! Sadly the choice of branded wear in the childrens's section was limited to either Ralph Lauren or Hilfiger. But still it was half the price of the adult sweaters. Laughing in my head, I thought why not try on a sweater for 12 year olds....and you know what even the L was too large....and I had to put on a medium. Baby pink. I couldn't believe my luck! Hey quality for a good price.

I was cheering myself for my ingenuity when I thought, holy shit....this is the year of the Rat! (OK, following a chinese superstition, the year of the RAT is supposed to bring opposed luck for those born under the Horse year, I've memorised the chinese horoscope from the time I could walk). And what's that famous Ralph Lauren label again ? A polo horse......
Although I'm not a Horse sign, but I didn't want to push my luck after I've just found it !!

So although I would never believe that walking under a ladder would bring bad luck, similarly I thought, I didn't wanna wear anything with a horse insignia and thought I'll pick a Tommy Hilfiger instead......
But then the thought of wearing a sweater with my father's first name on it seemed "uncool"....
So I dropped both sweaters.

I think I'm going to have convince Louis Vuitton to have a segment for kids :)

What's in a name ?

by Nova Lou

There is nothing in the world I fear most than the dreaded question '' What's your name ? ''. However, it's the unavoidable question that hits you at the beginning of any social conversation.

'' Nice to meet you, I'm Nova''.

Upon choking on his drink, my conversational partner invariably remarks, '' Sorry, is that your name ?'

Which is probably akin to asking if you have just jumped off the plane from Spain and are therefore unaccustomed to the English language and having thereby to resort to using Latin amongst English vocabulary. In short, I would have just introduced myself as '' Oh hello, I'm new''. (Nova in Latin means 'new'). But given my not so Spanish looks, I could only guess that was not what he implied by the question. He was probably just polite to suggest that he has never come across such an unusual name.

Pretty far fetched. But that's not the only one in many humorous responses that I have received over many first-time introductory encounters.

I've met one fellow who after introducing himself jumped straight to the question, '' Where are you from anyway? ''.

'' Oh, from not so far away Mordor '' (Home to the evil Golum and the Orks for those of you not accustomed to the famous movie Lord of the Rings) came my reply.

There was an awkward pause and an embarrassing laugh and then he remembers, '' Sorry, I didn't get your name''.

'' That's ok. My name's Nova.''.

This time a longer awkward pause as he struggles to decide whether I was still pulling his leg or whether it was fact.

'' You don't really come from Mordor ? ''

Not a very good start to a conversation but spared for the majority of you with more conventional backgrounds. However given my not so common first name (thanks to my father), made more complicated by my hard to place ethnic looks and well traveled background (even as a kid) I must say that it has been hard to initiate any serious conversations without invoking any pre-conceived ideas or God forbid, prejudicial feelings.

In fact I wish many people would skip the '' What's your name'' and '' Where are you from'' parts from the first 5 minutes of any conversation, just until they get to know me a little better, for instance, ask me '' What I do for a living '' (not a lot to shout about there too, I'm just an M&A consultant really).

Just so you get the idea, here are just a few awkward moments I have experienced upon introducing myself during business related and formal gatherings. Then ask yourself, if you were me, how would you proceed henceforth ?

1) '' Hi, I'm Nova….and I…''

'' Hey Supernova ! ''

2) '' I used to read X-People. There was this character called Nova. She wears these red-leather leotards and wears a black mask. Don't suppose you read X-People ?.. ''

(….no actually I have never heard of X People. I assume it's a comic book right ?)

3) ''Is your name patented ?''

4) '' Well, that's an interesting name. By the way, did you know that No-Va means No-Go in Spanish and they had launched this car once in Spain (no names mentioned) but it didn't sell too well because it was called Nova …hahaha ''

5) '' Is that a common name from where you are or was there really a Supernova explosion during the night you were born ? ''

(Neither….and I was born in the afternoon)

6) ''Is that Latin or a Chinese language word ? ''

(Latin….duh)

7) '' That's a cool name. Why did you call yourself Nova ? ''

(I hardly had the choice at birth. The name was sacredly pledged to me by my all too creative father. But thanks for the compliment.)

'' And your father is ….. ? ''

(a nuclear scientist genius cum electrical engineer who is also crazed about astronomy)

8) '' Nice name. You wanna be a star someday ? ''

(Are you offering me an acting job ?)

9) '' No really…how did your parents come up with such a name ? !! ''

(Because I was born in Novemb...forget it…because on the night I was born there was a Supernova explosion and my parents had a sudden inspiration)

You get the idea. I can't deny that there have been unexpected advantages in having such an unusual name. For instance, your clients remember you better. (It really matters to me, if a pair of Egyptian guys managed to spell your name correctly after they have mispronounced and misspelled my manager's name, also commonly known as ''Darren'', twice in a row). Also I can't deny the fact that there have been innumerous possibilities for potential humorous exploits. (Not a good idea if you wanted to be taken more seriously especially if you're managing a € 100m banking takeover deal). But more importantly, it's short and easy to pronounce (if you leave out my 2 middle Chinese names that is).

So what's in a name? Honestly, there's nothing more I like than to have a common girl's name like Catherine or Joanne. At least if you're looking for a personalized mug or a key chain with your name on it, it would be easier to locate. The nearest I've ever gotten to a personalized gift item was a coffee cup with ''Nora'' on it (someone was either short sighted or hard of hearing).

But there's definitely no denying I feel rather unique. And as unusual as Nova is, at least it wasn't derived from a famous person, or a famous city (Nova Scotia doesn't count!). So there you have it. At least I'm already a would-be famous identity in my own right at the moment of my birth. (sob, was that an Academy moment ? )