Idiot's Guide to the KL International Airport

Imagine yourself, enjoying your first maiden trip to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, on board the Malaysian Airlines Boeing 747, 24000 ft in the air.

You're watching your inflight entertainment movie "Monsters vs Aliens" for the third time, laid back comfortably in your Economy Class seat.

The friendly Malaysian Airlines airhostess brings you your inflight breakfast and morning coffee/tea down the aisle.

You are tasting the delights of Nasi Lemak for the first time in your life. "Simply sumptuous", you say. Well wait till you taste the real Nasi Lemak from the back lanes of Kampung Baru. You're bound to shoot up straight to the moon, after you tasted the real bomb.

Well, that's all great. But how do I get to Kampung Baru ? What do I expect when I land at the KL International Airport ? Where do I go ? How do I get to the city ? Do they speak my language ? Where do I find the Duty Free Shops? Are there any shops at all ? Will I be landing on a tree like in Madagascar 2 ? Well, I hope you did your research before hoping on a plane, wheezing to some foreign, exotic country.

But in case you haven't, not to worry, my friend. The Malaysian people are probably the most multi-lingual in the world and can incorporate up to 5 languages at a time in a mumble-jumble of one language, also known as "Manglish". Doesn't matter where you come from. If you speak any hint of English, Indonesian, Mandarin, Cantonese, Hokkien, Hakka, Tamil, Hindi, Portugease or Arabic, you will be able to grasp the pure essence of "Manglish" within seconds.

You will be landing in one of the most sophisticated airports in the world, equipped with some of the most modern facilities in the world. I guarantee after you read this guide, you will be able to navigate your way around the KL airport easily, just like a child in a candy shop.

This is the Kuala Lumpur International Airport (KLIA) located in the district of Sepang, just 44 km away from the city. It commenced operations on June 27th 1998 to replace the old and defunct Subang Airport. The empty sites in Sepang were once "Orang Asli" settlements. So you get the idea, the place used to be very, very, very "ulu", ok.

So the Malaysian "gahmen" decided to modernize the town of Sepang and build this very state-of-the art 21st century airport facility, which can accommodate a super capacity of 35 million passengers and 1.2 mil tonnes of cargo, so don't play play ok Changi Airport !!

To get to the KLIA, you can either travel by car, which will take about 1 1/2 hrs with no traffic jam. Or you could take the cheap and fast KLIA Express train which takes only 28 mins to KL Sentral station. Here is a map to the KLIA, courtesy of Wikipedia. As you can see, instead of travelling the round-about-way by car (follow the red line), the KLIA Express is much faster and efficient because it leads you directly to your destination in one straight line (follow the blue line).

Also it is much cheaper than the premium cabs, which can costs up to 100 Malaysian-dollahs. The KLIA Express also takes you through an adventure of majestic scenic beauty, which captures the pure essence of Malaysia...oil palm trees, lakes, new Orang Asli settlements, and more oil palm trees !

But before you ride the KLIA Express, you first get to ride our high-speed interterminal shuttle trains, also known as Aerotrains!

That's right ! There's only one way to get to the duty free shops, immigration hall, baggage claim, arrival hall, Way Out and Exit Roads [See map in the Aerotrains]. If you still get lost, you are beyond idiotic.

The Aerotrains were also built to accommodate a capacity of 35 million passengers, not all at once, of course. In fact, don't be surprise to find the Aerotrain all to yourself.

To alight from the Aerotrain, look for the Way Out.

For those of you interested in buying Duty Free goods, you need to check if you qualify for that privilege. So, if you're not an international tourist, air crew incl. pilots or citizens or residents of Malaysia upon arrival or departure for abroad....YOU CANNOT BUY DUTY FREE GOODS, ok !

So, if you're reading this blog and you work as the official KLIA "Asoh" aka toilet cleaner aka facility manager, you CANNOT BUY DUTY FREE GOODS, ok !!

By the way, I must complement the facility management of KLIA for your ultra-clean toilets, not just because of the built-in self-flushing toilets. 90% of the work is actually done by the hard-working Asohs and Amahs of the KLIA, who work on their knees. So I think, they also deserve to buy DUTY FREE GOODS, ok !

So, what is so special about shopping at KLIA, you might ask. Well for all the ladies out there,

I 've got 5 -letters, for you. C-O-A-C-H.

Not local enough for you ? Try Harrods, the last symbol of the British occupation in Malaysia.

Still not local enough for you ? Then go to "Made in Malaysia", your one-stop shop for all things Malaysian and exotic.

Malaysia presents its version of the precious Ginseng and one of its major exports.....wild Tongkat Ali.

Not to be confused with the medical prowess of the Chinese Ginseng....the Tongkat Ali is only good if you wanna have some fun...if you know what I mean. Literally translated, Tongkat means walking stick....so it helps your "stick" walk.

Graphical disclosure of what can happen to the nose of an "Orang Utan" after consuming Tongkat Ali.

Tongkat Ali can also be consumed with White Coffee....
...Or even mixed with tea.
Another one of Malaysia's exports....Spider Egg Cookies.....fit for Halloween... (Labah = Spider)

Very important ! You might need to do a health screening to ensure you are free of H1N1 aka Swine flu.

If confirmed H1N1 positive, you will be dragged away by men in blue suits in a dragon boat.....

So remember to wear a mask at all times, especially if you display symptoms of the flu.

If you are not sick, then avoid those wearing masks and practice social distancing, even if you need to resort to resting on the floor...

You are now only one step away from living the madness of Malaysia. All you need to do now is queue and wait till the immigration officer chops your passport, and pray to God that your baggage arrives safely in one piece.....

At this point, if the officers say "Selamat Datang" or Selamat is coming, you better run for your lives !!
...before you're killed by notorious Singaporean terrorist, Mas Selamat.

The truth about Yasmin Ahmad

Dear Yasmin Ahmad aka Zulkifli Ahmad,

I imagine you might be laughing over the absurdity and shallowness of our fellow media beyond the grave. Lately, you have been labelled "man", "khunsa", "pondan" and "hemophrodite" without scientific reasoning. But joke aside, I always thought you did resemble a man, not only by your physical appearance, but also by your persona and your perserverance. Not that a woman is unworthy of the feats you achieved, but I don't come across too many women like you.
So now, it seems, some truth has surfaced. Not only were you born a hemophrodite called Zulkifli Ahmad and underwent surgery in the United Kingdom, it also turns out you were a professional singer and one of the best football strikers too !! You have set a new level to the term "multi-faceted".

It also explains the brain hemorrhage. You used your head a little too often as a striker.

I should have known. It's written all over your face. Not only are you 60% Naoko Takeuchi due to your Japanese heritage, you are also 59% Brett Hull, the famous Canadian-American ice hockey player, Bob Hope personifies your sense of humour. But best of all, you are 54% Hillary Rodham Clinton - simply a strong, determined woman.

What I wanted to say to you

Dear Grandma,

I will not say goodbye now, but I will say until we meet again, someday....

I was not by your bedside recently, but I was happy to be able to accompany you the weeks prior to your passing. I saw you smile for the first time without your dentures and we watched your little persimmon tree bloomed a thousand flowers.

But we also shared your pain and anquish, pain which cuts deep like the edge of a waterfall.

But now that pain is no more. There is no more weight to your heart. Let your spirit soar high to the misty heavens above.
And let the memory of you be forever enshrined in the temples of our hearts....
Especially the memory of you and me on our daily shopping trips to the market on an old rickety trishaw during my childhood days. You always carried me on your shoulders, no matter how tired you were. And while you carried me, you sang your traditional village songs from China.

I will miss you forever, grandma. I hope you are happy, wherever you are. And say hello to Uncle La La for me.

Your granddaughter.
I would like to thank the palliative care unit of the Hospice Malaysia for their personal care and immaculate attention, while attending to my grandma, all without a single monetary charge. Especially thanks to Sharon Victoria Dabi and Dr Lim Zee Nee for their time and patience. Also thanks to Grace and Rowena for those many sleepless nights.
Fore more about the palliative care unit of the Malaysian Hospice and donations please go to their website at: http://www.hospismalaysia.org/

No more stories to tell

Yasmin Ahmad (1958 - July 2009)

Yasmin Ahmad, award-winning film director (Cannes, Berlin and Tokyo film festivals) and mentor to all budding film-makers also passed away on July 25th at a young age of 51. She has left a legacy of film-making which tells of overcoming life's day-to-day difficulties through the cultivation of love and solidarity across races and religions. Her work of art will remain an inspiration to all, especially to me. Her mother, Mak Inom, was my language and literature teacher at secondary school. Like her mother, Yasmin Ahmad always had a story to tell, translated into the wide screen. I offer my heartfelt condolonces to her parents, her husband and all her friends and loved ones.

Grandma

Two months ago, we were all shocked to learn that my 90 year old grandmother was suffering from stage IV terminal colon cancer. Mostly because she was never sick in her life, and despite her age, walked tirelessly to the market everyday 40 mins from her home, to provide food for herself, her youngest son and the maid for the last 40 years. When she was diagnosed with cancer, she was hit by severe bouts of fatigue and eventually her legs gave way. She continues to fight for her life everyday despite not having any medical treatment and her mind is still as clear as the summer rain.


I flew back 3 weeks ago as soon as I heard the news. I was alone, since my relatives had other obligations. My grandmother was skinny beyond recognition and was bed-ridden. She could still walk with some help but was not able to eat solid foods. She ended up throwing-up many times. The family even considered putting her on tubes, but the idea was immediately dropped not because it was medically unfeasible, but because it would cause her more pain and suffering. No specialist would treat her due to her age, so in the beginning all we could rely on were prescription free pain killers from the pharmacy.

To give you a rough idea how skinny she was when I first saw her, here is a comparison of her lower leg and my lower arm. Guess which is my arm and which is her leg ?

After I returned to see her, her condition got worse to the point that she had excruciating abdominal pains, especially during the night. The prescription free pain killers had lost effect on her due to the intensity of the pain and because she had trouble taking liquids. So for a few nights, all I could do was to hold her and rub her abdomen while she cried out in pain, and although I managed to say a few comforting words to her, my heart cried out with her too.

Things got better when my grandmother's case was referred to the palliative care unit of the Hospice Malaysia. We were soon given prescriptive drugs such as morphine, steroids and metochlopromide to ease her symptoms. Soon my task was to give my grandmother morphine jabs every few intervals and to watch her day and night....

and to change the syringe-driver every 24 hrs. We started out with a baby dose of 0.5 ml of morphine and after 2 days, we increased the dosage to 1 ml. I was soon confronted with the hideous responsibility of deciding when to give her morphine, since it was hard to gage the intensity of the pain she was experiencing. One has to strike a balance between easing the pain and the risk of losing her memory.

I also had to figure out how to change the drip. That took me a whole 30 mins to figure out. Harder than changing a light bulb.

I nearly peed in my pants, when I finally managed to set up the drip.
Up to this stage, she could even remember the number of 1 dollah notes in her safety box and the number of oranges in the fridge. She would comb her hair neatly after her bath, because she won't trust me with her hair....only with the morphine.
My grandma demonstrating the safe use of a N-65 anti-viral mask for swine flu prevention.

She was still capable of laughing and joking with her visitors during these difficult times and asked them about their own problems.

Her laugh was simply infectious. By this time, some of my aunts and uncles have returned to relieve me. However, I was still the only person capable of giving her the jabs, given that my aunts and uncles in their 70s were every bit near and far sighted. Having been in investment banking, keeping awake 24 hrs a day was all in a day's work. Sadly, for the older folks, the matter was an itsy bit more challenging than they thought.

My uncle, for instance, would reprimand anyone who talked too loud for fear of waking up my grandma during her noontime nap. As soon as it was all quiet, he would place himself comfortably on the living room couch, and start snoring.

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

After a week, I started noticing the strain 24-hr care had on these older folks.

One day, a phone call came for my uncle who was just on his way out. He rushed in, all red in the face and was trying to clarify directions on a road map to the caller.

Uncle: Aiya, why is it suddenly so dark in here ? I can't read the map-lah. Turn on all the lights !

Me: Why don't you try taking-off your sunglasses first.

Uncle: @*#!!

My aunt was a nervous wreck everyday. She doesn't sleep. She faints.

Above all, my grandma was the most nervous person in the house. Mainly, because she could hardly count on her aged children to lift her up when she wanted to do her potty business.

Q: How many persons does my grandma needs when she does her potty business ?

A: Four. One to carry her by the shoulders, one to carry her by the legs, one to position the potty below her and one to shout directions. And the person shouting directions is my nervous wreck of an aunt.

I was very much relieved when by a rare general consensus in the family, we agreed to hire 24 hr nurses to assist my grandma. That's when we found Grace, the nurse.

So with the arrival of the private nurses, my responsibility was reduced to washing my grandma's dentures....

....cooking her favourite pumpkin and sweet potato soup.

.....and taking her out on the wheelchair to see her favourite persimmon tree.

When I had to return overseas for work, saying goodbye remained the hardest task of all.

Indeed, I have considered resigning from my job to be by her side when she passes. But my grandma has a fighting spirit which I greatly admire, and she would not hear of me giving up on anything. So, I held her hand tightly and promised her that I would come back soon. And then we would take a walk to the market together to buy her favourite pumpkin and sweet potato soup.